Sunday, May 27, 2012

I am legend ! (Zinda Hu re mai) :)

Ahh.. So much to catch up! I miss my blogger friends, their articles. I do read your posts guys. It's just I am not getting time to catch up with you. Once this phase is over, we would be together :)

 I am one of those idiots who take critical decisions of life according to mood swings and then regret it for a life time. Resigning my job is one such example. I know I have been cribbing about my job since a while, but quitting it when the experts have predicted a recession, and that too without having any other offer in hand, is a foolish step. Now job hunting is on my nerves. It's not that I won't get a job within 3 months notice period. I certainly (hopefully?) will. The only problem is I cannot be choosy. Let's see how it goes :| Pray for me and you will get a treat, if I get my desired job :)

Petrol hike. Another cruel joke fate (or govt?) played on me. I mean come on! I was a pedestrian for one goddamn year. Only when I finally got a bike, these bloody prices are soaring. Now I am thinking to sell the bike and buy a bicycle. If this rising in price continues, soon my take home salary won't be able to take me home :(

I*fy freezes salary hike. Either these people are a bunch of dumb asses or they don't at all care for their employees. After NRN's retirement, I*fy is no longer a brand name or "a leader" as they quote it. Working hours, appraisals, policies, salary and many other things are there just to suck the blood of an employee. Anyway, I have already put on my papers so I don't care about it anymore.

I am definitely going to vote this time. Not because I want to see any other party in power, but I certainly don't want to see C**gre*s pimps taking decisions for common people. No matter what happens,  C**gre*s is NOT getting a chance to screw up with people's lives this  time. I am so sick of their wanton deeds, I would kill two people of G**dhi Family, Our pres*de*t, Fi**nce min*ster, Agr*cu**ural min*ster, min*ster of home aff**irs, min*ster of petrol**m and na*ural gas. (Not PM, huh? No need. Kill G**dhi and he is anyway gone!) and then happily commit suicide, if that is the price I need to pay. And I mean it. (Yeah, Ka*il S**el, Monitor this blog, if you can, and shut it down, I don't give a fuck! ). So if you haven't voted till date, I request you to consider it this time. Please. Every vote does count. It's high time that We, the young crowd, need to take things seriously.

Well, that's all as of now. See you guys soon. Bu-bye bros and sissies, and girls! ;)

Friday, May 4, 2012

"Out of Mind" Reply!

I am currently out of my mind. But you may leave a message!

A Careless Blogger with a fucked up life!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Marriage Interview

First of all,welcome to new followers (who, surprisingly, are all girls ;)). Renju, Sadaf, CD, Prerana, Kinara and Hypocrite and Sofy. I hope you people find this place good enough to pass the time. (If not, you can visit the "Money Back Guarantee Offer" section of this blog :P)

Coming back to post, Everybody around me is getting married. Why the heck should I care? Well, there is a concept of peer pressure and it sucks! I am the one who always opposed the arrange marriage concept. Unfortunately, nobody gives a damn about what I feel. Nowadays, my parents are all into this "Half-of-your-friends-are-married.You-have-got-a-proposal, so-there-is-no-harm-to-have-a-look-at-the-fucking-girl" thing. Ugh. I don't want to get married explains my parents' pressure. Out of at least 9 odd girls, I finally found (was forced to find) a decent looking girl so I told my parents that I am interested. (I now regret this decision). Family members of that girl came to meet me and I felt like I am taking an interview. 

G's Father Hello Manoj, finally nice to meet you. (Pointing at a 6'4'' hulk who was as dark as coal!) This is my son. (That caused suspicion, because this guy was very fair and his son was ..Umm...DARK. Did I complain?)
Asshole Manoj Hello sir, Nice to meet you too.
G's Father You look more handsome than your photos.

Asshole Manoj Thank you. (I hope same is the case with your daughter)

G's Father So, what do your parents do?
Asshole Manoj : None of your business jackass. Ask What do I do, instead.  Blah...%#3^&%^*^*%7%#$%$%
Brother And how much do you earn?
Asshole Manoj : (Enough to afford a beer can on a daily basis and if your sister drinks, I would be more than happy to buy her one as well!) #$%$%
G's father (Muttering to his son) : Now it's only ^%&% thousand/month. But his father is into real estate, so doesn't matter whether the boy earns or not.
Asshole Manoj : (Now that was humiliating. But looking at his son's size, I somehow managed to stay cool.) Sir actually, ... Never mind.
Brother We are getting a lot of proposals for our "Drishti", but we rejected all of them.
G's father : (Probably he understood my sarcastic smile) - Don't go by his looks. Our Drishti has my complexion. She is very pretty. You saw the photo, right? You "have" to like her. Everybody else did.
Asshole Manoj : (Do I have a choice?) - What qualities are you looking for?
G's father : Oh.. Yes. He should be rich, handsome, have a good family background, should be at least 5'9'', educated, must not have any bad habits, caring, should be able to cook as our Drishti cannot cook and we want a Nuclear family.
Asshole Manoj - (Muttering- Why don't you ask Superman to marry her? I mean think of it logically you fucking dreaming morons. How the hell will someone(that too working in an IT industry) be rich at the age of 24?) I understand.
Brother : Do you have any bad habits, Manoj?
Asshole Manoj : (And you expect an honest answer? I would give a LOL to it and look at you. You look like a serial rapist with a 12-inch dick that fucks around anybody who comes across his way. You don't even have the right to ask me that )  No. I believe in simple life. :P
(But I guess he didn't believe that)
Brother : I have spare time. You said you stay nearby. You mind if we go see your flat?
Asshole Manoj : (At least let me see you "pretty" sister's photo again. I may have to change my mind now) Hmm..Sure.
On the way to my flat, he asked me exactly 28 questions and when he was finally satisfied with all the details, he gave me that "I-found-a-Bakra-for-my-sister" look.

(Inside the flat)
Brother : Your flat is very nice. You stay alone? How much is the rent? Do you take money from your father? How do you manage to pay? 
Asshole Manoj : (Fuck you son of a bitch. Do hell with your sister. Leave me alone!) Thank you. Yes. Not much. No. I try.
Brother : One more thing, would you take off your clothes? It's just to make sure that you have no "body defects"!
Asshole Manoj : (You gotta be kidding me! - What next? Are you going to ask how large my penis is?) - (Silently Praying - GOD. Please. Don't let this hulk take my virginity. Any ugly girl on the planet would do. But not him. Please!) Sure.
Brother : (After a thorough examination) - You have a nice body. Good. (I didn't like his tone. I was about to pick an iron rod when he asked me to put back the clothes. Trust me, that was the happiest moment in my life!)
Brother : See, I like you. You meet all the qualities that we are looking for. Now if you are interested, we can take it further.
Asshole Manoj : (You think? Hell, Now I won't say yes even if your Drishti allows me to examine her "body defects") - Let me talk to my parents about it. 

P.S. (After the incident, the victim was in state of coma for next 2 days. The only good thing that happened from all this is now his parents don't force him about this marriage thingy. They realized it's much better to let their son take his own time rather than some black guy raping him in his own room)

P.S.2 - This article sucked to the core (At least I feel so). Am I losing my grasp on comedy articles? :(

Monday, February 20, 2012

Rape of a poor language ;)

Few people are bad with grammar and languages. But raping it to the core is a different thing altogether. My higher authorities, for example, speak like a random word generator software. It’s like they know the words necessary to complete the sentence but they just put them in any order, irritating readers/listeners to the extent that we literally scratch our hair. As these people are born entrepreneurs, they refuse to abide by the grammar rules and instead, create their own “raped” version of a sentence. Here are some golden sentences from my friends and some other people.

   If you want(have?) any issues, mail me.
   Why the heck I want to do that?

   You are confusion.
   Asshole, say this to your child. I am not confusion. I have a confusion.

   Please be on top of this issue.
   Thank God, you are courteous enough not to mention the position!

   I am having a bad headache today
   Yeah, as If I get a good one

   This issue is very erotic no?
    Sir, you speak like this in front of the people whose first language is English. And then you complain why aren't we getting enough business from these clients. It’s erratic , you hole.

   (To a Girl) – You will work down with Manoj!
   No wonder I didn't see that girl again.

   I am taking my “wife’s back” to  a doctor
   Haha, lets just hope buddy. You get the point. Don’t you?

   I am taking leave for 2 weeks. So you can expect my absence in that duration
   How hard was that to guess, huh?

   You did it tomorrow, no?
    I just can't take it when people append a "no" to every sentence they speak. And Nope, I will do it yesterday!

   I will brief you "in detail" about this topic today
   Thank you sir, thank you very much. Only Rajnikant or you can do it.

   Would you like to “cum” with me? Ping me.
   No thanks, I would rather “cum” alone :P

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

An unconventional valentine Story

This is the first time I felt it worthwhile to post someone's article on my blog. A must read :)

Splash story winners…
This story won the third prize. But it simply deserves the first place. Truly amazing.
Do take sum time to read it. An unconventional valentine story…

Third Place - Prathama Plakkatt

Valentine’s Day is not just for the young or for lovers. It’s the day we celebrate love with person whom we love most and whom we want in our life forever! This fictitious story is about one such person.

Prakriti, as I am called, was born to a single mother but it was when I grew up that I realized the stigma attached to it. So we both went far away from the people who knew us and whom we knew to started life anew, me as student and mom as a teacher. As time flew by, I had become a successful pediatrician, on the way, achieving a state and university ranks and many accolades!

One day as I was at work, I got a call from mom asking me if I can come home a bit early than usual. I felt something amiss as mom never called me during work hours. I immediately applied for an emergency leave and left for home.

The moment I saw her, I rushed to her and hugged her. I felt her softness – she was so soft, her skin full of wrinkles and her warmth had unlimited love – love that you can receive from no other than a mother! I wanted her hug for a long long time, I never wanted her to take her hands off me, but then she pulled me back and took me to her room. In all these years that I was striving for my achievement I had never once gone into her room. But after all these years, I felt like I was entering a museum – that had every single memory, every single achievement, the simplest of the simple beauties of my life!

My mom opened a small box and placed it in front of me and asked me to open it. I thought she had brought some jewellery but to my surprise it was something extraordinary, something precious, something even money can’t buy! She had collected all the things, the tiniest of the tiniest things that I had thrown away – there were hair pins, ribbons, small buttons of my dress, toys, clips, the friendship band that I had got from my friends, greeting cards, the dresses that had torn and I had asked them to use it as spare cloth, rubber bands, the flowers that I had thrown away after cultural programs, the pens, pencils, crayons, painting box and brushes, dissection instruments, nose rings, bangles, earings, bracelets, the letters that I had written to her when I was away from her and even one of my tooth that had fallen – the list is endless. It was a box filled with memories, a box more precious that anything else in this world. She told me how she would look into that each night before sleeping so that she felt closer to her daughter. My eyes moistened on seeing that, I could not speak, I had done an unrepairable wound in my mother’s heart, but she never once complained, even now when she opened the box! I regretted – regretted for not caring for my mom, for my own selfishness, for my own happiness that I had got by suppressing my mom’s wishes and most of all not giving her my TIME – something that will never ever come back.

After a long silence she asked me “Can you be my valentine?” I was speechless! I checked the date – it was 14th February. All through my growing years I had celebrated this day with friends, enjoyed a lot, I had got many gifts too but never once had I thought that my mom could become my Valentine! How wrong I was!

As my eyes filled with tears, mom’s face blurred. I realized what true meaning of Valentine was. All I could say was a simple “YES!” - And it was forever the best Valentine’s Day for me – for life!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Corporate Creatures! ;)

 “I-know-how-to-use-my-charm" girls
These girls are usually blessed with an angelic/pretty face and a perfect body. They define the word "beauty". And the worst part is, they know what they are and how to use their charm. They don’t really need to struggle in order to get the work done. Be it a coding assignment, which they pass on to their colleagues by saying “DEAR,(yes, this much is sufficient for a guy) could you do it for me, please?” or a leave application to be approved my their managers. They spend half of their office time over phone or talking nonsense (or in washrooms, for that matter!) and still manage to get the best rating by their mere charm. Everyone in the team including married bastards try hard to hit on them and these girls don’t mind. For it serves their purpose too to have a licking puppy. These girls usually neglect people who have no commanding position in the project and chess after people like team leaders or managers who are responsible for hike in the paycheck. They are pain-in-the-ass for people who slog almost 10 hours a day in office and still get no credit, because higher authority prefers to scan these girls’ inner-wears rather than checking other's sucking line of codes. 

Honey, I agree God has not given you a cute face or a nice body. May be he was in depression while creating you! But least you can do on your part is to make yourself presentable. I mean, you get the paycheck every month. Ever given it a thought to buy something useful? Umm. How about a razor? And sensible girls do not wear sport shoes on a salwar kameez, a dark lipstick on already dark face, slippers on sari. So on and so forth!

A rare type, indeed, when it comes to GIRLS. (Feel offended? Drag me to the court!). These girls either have no personal life, or don’t know how to use their charm or simply don’t prefer to use it or are carrier oriented. They may be good looking, but in most of the cases, they are not. So they bypass the trouble of people hitting on them and make sure they utilize their office time well, in learning the actual work. They don’t have to butter every other lusty bastard in the project to get their promotion. They don’t bitch about other people, or even about bitches. They fight alone and their work says it all.  

    They know what to ask and when to ask. By using this dangerous weapon called "word", they create such an impression that people actually think these girls are master resource of the project. Well, the truth is, if you observe it keenly, they have a repeated pattern of when to nod, when to say yes, when to raise a doubt. They are masters when it comes to using perfect timing and situations. In actuality, they don't even have a slightest idea about the work and they tremble when you press things a bit deeper. Marketing genius, I call them! Who gives a fuck about what work they do as long as they know how to allude senior authority with their presentation skills? 

 “Good-for-nothing" girls
    Take negative points from all above points and combine them into one loser. You will get your "good-for-nothing" girls. They have the most depressing face on the earth, hairy hands/mustache, no knowledge, no charm, no dressing sense, no social manners, inferiority complex and no presentation skills. They still survive in the industry. Phew, hats off. Being a girl helps sometimes, huh?

 Decent girls
    They come to office only to work and nothing else. Well mannered and quite knowledgeable. It really doesn't matter whether they are good looking or not, have a nice dressing sense or not. All that matters is they are good at heart and are always willing to share other's responsibility. They are dedicated to work and yet know how to enjoy life. They never behave like a bitch even when they don't get promoted or credit of work. Instead, they try to work hard next time. They can be your good office friends, a resting shoulder in your hour of needs. They mind their own business. They come to office, work, go home. As simple as that. Respect for such girls.

 A Perfect corporate beauty
   These girls are very good at what they do. They are gifted with stunning beauty and are knowledgeable too. They don't need to use their gifted beauty for getting the hikes. Instead, they let their performance do all the talk. Nonetheless, they posses the killer ability to sugar quote their work with advertising. If performance fails, they still know how to get the promotion by using other things. But at least they define their standards and don't let every tom-dick-harry cross their path. 
The nagging bastards
   These assholes are never happy with what they get. Be it a promotion or a project or something else. They just send a wave of frustration among their colleagues and are looked down upon. They are responsible for all the negative energy in the team. They always fart frustration. No matter what the situation is, they lose!

"I-know-it-all" boys”
   These creatures consider themselves the pinnacle of the company. Ask them anything and they will have an answer. (Not necessarily the right answer!). They never skip a chance to boast about their achievements. These guys usually suck at building rapport with other people due to this egoistic/flamboyant nature and end up scoring lowest, be it in promotion or impressing girls.
 The "cool" dudes
  These guys know how to impress higher authority despite being a guy! They have knowledge, good convincing skills, know how to advertise their work when necessary and have a good impression on girls. People don't usually utter bad things about them, even behind their back. They go well along with any kind of people and are good at heart

 Lusty fuckers
   These guys have an inbuilt scanner in their eyes. They scan each and every girl from top to bottom and usually find something good in ANY girl (of course, only physically). They don't really bother or complain about their type of work but yes, put them in a project where there are no girls and they develop suicidal tendencies.

    So which category do you fall in? ;)

    P.S. I am back! For those who thought I will commit suicide after what they have done to me, well, not so easy suckers! Now it's revenge time.
   P.S.1 There is something terribly wrong with the indentation. I can't figure out why. (Yes, I am an IT engineer!) :P

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A screaming heart

Dear Blog,

It's been quite sometime I didn't visit you. Trust me, this is not what I ever wanted. You are a part of me that cannot be separated. No one is able to figure out what is wrong. Well, to some extend I know. People say I am a fighter. Screw the people. I once was. There is no fighting back when fate decides to fuck you. I still try. I have always tried. Friends wonder about my drastically changing nature. They say I am no longer charming, I have lost it ! They say I seem depressed. They complain I never tell anyone what is wrong in my life. They are right. I like to keep things to myself. The incidences in early childhood have made me that way. I trust only myself. I don't like anyone's sympathy or advises. Life has never been fair to me. Did I ever complain? At least I don't remember cribbing about my problems. I stand upright and I face them. I always did. 

Till date, no body has ever been able to figure out the intensity of pain behind this ever smiling face. But I guess you know it all, don't you? Remember our first encounter when I was 10 years old? You were a diary then. Remember the things I went through? Those insults, tortures? infinite sleepless nights? That inability to find a single person to talk to? These things are locked somewhere in your pages. It took me years to be what I am today. You know that everything was next to impossible. Did I ever give up? People say I am a role model for them. They say they want to be like me. Do I consider this as my achievement? Why don't I feel happy about it anymore? Only you and I know what had happened in past one month. Tell me, did I ever do something wrong to anybody? Did I hurt anybody in my life? You know I am a good person. I know I have dozens of friends who are there for me. So why is that my life keeps fucking me every now and then? Why am I having problems in every aspect of life? Am I turning into a beast and a loner? I need to get out of this. The fucking fate/luck can't write my life the way it wants. I won't let it do it. I am working on things. One at a time. I know it will take time. But you have to keep your faith in me. I have to keep faith in myself. I won't let my life go back to the time when it was nothing. I am a born bellicose. Trust me, Mani will be back. Rocking and Kicking.

Dear Followers/Readers/Friends,

I am glad to see that you are still there with me. It means a lot. A strong bond I share with you guys which cannot be expressed in words. I don't get time even to visit you people, to see what is happening in your life, but you still understand me. Thanks for being there. Just hang on a little longer, I will be back with my stupid comedy articles ! :)